Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
