If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
