i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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