i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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