i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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