think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
