Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
