your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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