can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
