Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
