I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
