there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
