I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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