question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
