i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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