why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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