So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
