My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
whose parrot is this?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
