I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
