Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
