Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
