i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
