Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
