Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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