I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
