I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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