he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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