My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
They took my balls.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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