I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
