I want to walk on stilts...naked
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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