Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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