Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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