it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
