how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
