and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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