I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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