If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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