I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
did you just send me my own nude
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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