I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
