You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
