Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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