You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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