i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
