yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
