I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize