Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
