How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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