god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
