I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She needs sedatives and a leash
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
