i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
